I haven’t realized it until now, but I am officially a punching bag. I bring this up because I just had a so-called “argument” (can’t really find a better word right now) with my bf. It’s so damn frustrating and as much as I don’t wanna lose my cool (and I kind of didn’t until he had to leave to go to sleep), I can’t really help it as this point.
So basically it went like this (in a nutshell, I suppose):
me: what’s up with you today
bf: I don’t know and I don’t care
me: well it’s bothering me cause I care
-no response AT ALL until…-
me: you gonna sleep?
bf: sooner or later
me: oh now you respond
bf: I had nothing to say, you got me cornered
me: HA….so what, you felt shitty out of nowhere?
bf: I have no response
me: how is there no answer, you either do or you don’t….don’t tell me you don’t know =_=
bf: I said I have nothing to say, what more do you want
me: do you even honestly wanna talk to me right now, you’ve been cold dead
bf: to answer and knowing this is the wrong answer, no
me: what, did I do something?
bf: it’s just a no, you don’t need to ask
me: but I wanna know cause if I’m not the reason you’re like this, then why the freak am I being affected by it
bf: I don’t know, ask yourself
me: I’m wondering why you’re asking like this towards ME if I’m not the cause of this, why am I getting flamed
bf: ok forget it….I have to sleep, laters
me: what the freak? FINE THEN you coldhearted bastard
…is basically….how it went…..I understand that if something happened and you need to vent your feelings out, then you need to, you shouldn’t hold that in (like I freakin do). But that doesn’t mean you end up saying “I don’t wanna talk to you” like WHY, what part do I have in ANY of this, that you don’t wanna talk to me? He knows that I’m the type who he can just talk to about anything, so what the hell =__= also, I left out a little thing he said that “you just got caught in the crossfire, as they say” umm NO I DIDN’T cause I’m practically the only person he vents out to. Does he take it out on his family? No. He doesn’t even talk to them about it. Does he talk to friends about it? No. So in the end, I’m the only freakin person listening to him like this, taking all these hits. And I seriously cannot figure out why. If it was really my fault, then I wanted to do something about it and fix it. But it’s not. So umm….WTF.
So back the idea of the punching bag. Basically, he might be doing this (not only cause I’m like the only person who hears him out) cause I’m the type to just listen and say “it’s all ok”….something like that xD like I don’t argue with someone who’s upset cause that’ll just make it worse (unless they’re seriously screwed up =_=). So when I thought about it, I was like “wow, I’m like a punching bag, I’m just taking all the hits and not saying a word”…usually xD but then, even tough punching bags can only take so much. Eventually, they start tearing a little and denting in places. And at the very end, the chain just breaks and it falls down. I’m kind of thinking that’s what’s gonna happen to me….eventually. I’m not gonna be able to just absorb all this in forever. I’m gonna have to explode at some point. After all, I’m human, too. I have emotions, too (well actually, if you think about it, this guy was more like….he didn’t have emotions). And I’m sorry for being what I’m supposed to be, a human with emotions.
